Timing.

When I was a little girl, I had a crush on this little boy named Jason. He was the boy that I woke up extra early for one Sunday morning (that just happened to be Valentine's day) and snuck to the corner gas station to buy a chocolate sucker for. I remember getting ready for church and preparing in my mind the moment where I would hand him the sucker and say something awfully romantic, like "Here, I found this. Do you want it?". You know, as romantic as an 8 year old can be. But that moment never happened. Because as I was walking into the kids service, I saw my friend Heidi, who was way cuter than me and somehow already developing boobs, giving him a homemade card with a box of conversation hearts.

My timing has been bad since childhood..
From picture taking to dance moves to even my first kiss, that ended up being more of an interaction between my chin and his lips because I had no idea how fast or slow you go in for one of those things. Yes, me + timing = bad bad bad.
As an adult, I got a little bit better. I don't blink or sneeze nearly as often in pictures, I can move like nothing else if you give me some old school Michael Jackson and an empty room and I would have to say that after years of practice, I now know how to give a kiss directly on the lips.

Beyond that, I have noticed that a lot of the 'timings' of my life have been out of my control. From jobs to creating major organs to houses to starting a family. In fact, in the last two and a half years, I have completely given in to the idea that God is in control here and He is so good and loving and faithful, that it's about time I start trusting Him with every part of my life. Genius, I know. You would think after years of felt bible characters and easter services that I would have figured that out by now.
So it really should come as absolutely no surprise to me that the day after we move out of our home and into my mother's house in Beloit. And the week after we gave our leased vehicle back to the dealership with no new car to bring home due to our recent drout from the lovely garage lady (if you dont know this wonderful story...see a few posts down). And the day before we have an appointment with my kidney specialist to find out what is exactly wrong with my singular kidney and see if it is even ok to try to get pregnant. We find out that we are in fact, with child.

Well, just me. Scott still has his washboard abs. jealous. My abs? Well, let's just say I could win a beer belly contest. And while we are at it, let's also throw out there that my favorite part of the day is when I unbotton my pants. feels. so. good.
So, are you saying that this wasn't in your "plan"? Actually, yes. I am a worry wart. And knowing that I have one kidney and a blood disorder that shifts me into the high risk region of the pregnancy world, I was really prepared to never try to get pregnant again. And I was ok with that. For the most part. And gosh, it felt like with our luck...from the garage crap to the car stuff to the kidney disappearence to the 3 lost pregnancies... The timing of all of this has been SO wrong in my mind...

But now that I look back, I couldn't have painted a better picture of God's faithfulness.
And just because I know that He is faithful does not mean that I am certain of my future. Or my sweet little baby's future. But, at this point, I don't need to be. I have today to celebrate. And tomorrow can wait. No matter what happens, God is still good and his timing is better than mine could ever be.

2010. You little sneak.

I just wrote an entire blog, looked it over and hit delete. Sometimes, even I am too long-winded for me. How do you people do it? With your one paragraph blogs or your one sentence inspirational quotes? I need a chapter in a book. Well, I'm sure I don't...see, here we go again.

I have learned a few things in 2010. And I thought I would share them with you.

1) Books on tape make for amazing car rides. Or incredibly uncomfortable ones, if you have no idea who Joan Collins is and begin listening to her book that you borrowed from the library. When you start hearing words that doctors use to explain elephantitis, it is time to press eject, say a quick "forgive me Father" prayer and find a station that plays Steven Curtis Chapman or Kenny G.

2) Toenails completely change when you train for a marathon. They go from being a normal part of your body to a foreign object trying to do everything they can to escape. Oh, and after a few of them do escape, the rest of them must get scared because they DONT BUDGE. The toenails that made it through the marathon have not needed to be cut since early May. I am telling you, they are aliens now. Disgusting little aliens.

3) Hope is like that person at the grocery store that you see when you start shopping and accidently end up running into in every aisle and around every corner. IT JUST DOESNT GO AWAY. As much as I try to squelch it, the tiny flame keeps flying. Even though I have a love/hate relationship with hope, I am so thankful for its ridiculous tenacity to stick around.

4) If you have white poop, go immediately to the doctor. It just needs to be said.

5) As much as I want a family, I want a good marriage first. And if that means putting things on hold for a while so I could get back to being a good wife and friend to my husband, it is well worth it. And it was. Taking time off of trying to start a family in the last half of 2009 and the first half of 2010 was the best thing I did for myself as a woman, a mother and a wife. No child will fix a broken heart or a hurting marriage. Health in a marriage directly affects a child and that is worth taking the time to fight for.

5 is good enough for now. Honestly, I am a young sprout and unfortunately still more self-involved than I care to admit, so I am sure that I missed many other lessons along the way... 2011 will have plenty of time to knock me off my feet and teach me a thing or two though.

And 2011, if you want to teach me how to do a proper squat or magically instill in my brain the ability to speak and understand Spanish, I will not turn my ear. I promise.

Yo Promiso.