Just when you think you have something figured out. When you are sure you have it under control.
It knocks on your door with a basketful of homemade cookies and asks to come back inside.
I would like to think that if I say something enough, that I will begin to believe it.
And most times, it works.
I hated running. Talked myself into it. Now, it is my favorite.
I never wanted to work after kids. Talked myself into it. Now, I am thankful for the provision.
Heck, I have even starting turning myself into a mini chef. Talked myself into it. Lord knows I didn't come this way by pure talent...I still don't know how to properly dice veggies. And I don't want to admit how many times I have to google the meanings of directions...sautee this...braise that...puree the other thing... and don't get me started on the different "cuts" of meat. Isn't it all from the same animal? Why does it matter if it is round or flank or rump or prime? And seriously, why do I have so many knife options in my knife block?
Anyways.
I have spent the last year and a half and specifically, the last 9 or so months telling myself that I didn't want anymore kids naturally. Talked myself into the idea of never growing another human life in my belly.
And I could list you so many reasons as to why it wouldn't be the wisest decision to try again.
But, this one is tricky.
Because my head gets it.
But, my heart. No matter how much I talk to it....well, it really wants to let that basketful of homemade cookies in the door. Even if they are potentially toxic cookies.
I wonder if I am just wanting what I can't have. Or if I need to continue the grieving process of letting that dream go. Or if maybe I want to be able to eat extra food with good reason for another 9 month period. Or maybe I need a lesson in believing. Or maybe I am fighting closure because I shouldn't have it yet.
Either way, I have time to figure this all out. Good Lord, its not like Emara is zipping off to college tomorrow...I mean, our adopted child doesnt even have a face yet...
So, I will continue to process with my husband...and my family and friends...and this blog...
And I apologize in advance for my wishy washy thought process.
But, once you get a glimpse of Emara...you kind of want a million more of her.
5 comments:
((hugs)) i know exactly what you mean, friend. and my babes aren't even here yet. and trust me, i don't think we'll be ready for more, for at least like 5 years!! but the thought that these next few weeks could be the last time i'm ever pregnant, the last time i'll ever feel little kicks and punches and hiccups...it makes my heart hurt. day by day...i guess that's all we can process at a time. love you!
Thank you (both) for being so open and honest. I hate (there has to be a stronger word) when my heart and head don't get along. And often times they don't. Praying for both of you. And all of us in our wishy washyness : )
I struggle with this exact thing daily, too. Those cookies sure did taste good...and they look really cute…but yeah they might kill me next time I eat them.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It really helps me in my own grieving process. I will continue to pray for you and Scott and all of those around you.
While most days I talk myself into being OK with it, I sometimes think it really just sucks that I (we) have to struggle with this. Grr. :( I guess it's like our thorn in the side. Still, it's just plain hard to be thankful for it!! Hut, I'm praying that God will bring me (us) to a point that I (we) can rejoice in suffering.
Love ya, lady. Thanks again for your words.
*but
praying for you and Scott, for wisdom and understanding, for grace and peace, and for hope.
Post a Comment