a simple thank you...

I have this gift. I am super talented at it as I have spent years honing my skill. I am really really good at going to the store and buying awesome thank you cards. I mean, I can pick them. And then, what's even better, is I am really good at is getting them out to write thank you notes to people. I mean, I am a star at putting their names on the inside of the card and writing their name on the envelope. And most of the time, I can write a wicked heartfelt thank you inside the card.

But, where my talent has been mastered? Is in the department of NOT sending the cards off. I mean, if anyone is better at finishing a thank you card but never letting it leave your desk at home, I dare you to come forward. I can easily whip out a good 25 cards that are just sitting in the thank you boxes ready to go.

I would normally be proud of any talent that I can scrounge up seeing as I am married to Scott 'talent seeps out of my perfectly moisturized and never smelly skin' Zibell, but this one? Not so much.

All of that to say, I have been incredibly blessed. I feel as though my life has been a broken record for the last few years and frankly, I am surprised how many people have stayed so supportive and encouraging to me during the whole time. You would think after a year or two of it, they would steer clear of calling me, but no, the calls never ceased. And sometimes, you just need to stop and take a minute and tell them how much they mean to you.

Leah, my sis - you have never stopped acknowledging my three little ones as your nieces and nephews and though it seems like a really small token...it has been one of the most special things for me. Because even though they arent here, it hasnt made them any less family to you and because of that, it has kept them even closer to my heart. You have been a rock of support for me. It is a gift that I treasure.

Jess and Tom - Your phone calls, prayers, text messages, listening ears... Scott and I couldn't ask for better friends... You are way more than our vacation buddies... You are family. Jess, you know the saying "steel wrapped in velvet"? Well, you are velvet wrapped in steel.. The softest heart with the fiestiest mouth... My favorite thing about you.

Amy - 20 years of friendship. I can't tell you how many times I heard you say, "I'm so sorry..I don't know what to say". And I can't tell you how much those words meant to me. You are always honest and always sincere. Plus, you are pretty hilarious and just as self-depricating as me, so that always makes for a memorable time...one that somehow always gets photographed.

Calley - I feel like I have known you my whole life. You are the epitome of what a true friend looks like. You give more of yourself and so wholeheartedly. I am so fiercely protective of you and it's because I have seen how incredible your heart is. I can't count the times I have said to Scott, "She has no idea how much I have needed her friendship". And I dont think you ever will.
My small group girls, Linds, Ahndea, Theresa, Leah and Leah (and Brit!) - You are each a God-send. You have let me be so honest and so raw with my feelings. You have taken me out, let me stay in, brought me dinner, prayed your hearts out for me. You have cried with me and celebrated with me. Linds, running with you has been healing. Ahndea, singing with you has been freeing. Theresa, talking with you has been calming. You all have been God's hand extended when we wanted nothing to do with Him. And even though your words have been loud, your actions have been louder. I don't know how I would have gotten through these past few years without any of you.
Ashley, Jen, Paula, Cheryl, Sharon and Linda... For an entire year, I have been surrounded by your prayers and words of encouragement. God has used each of you to inject me with hope and faith and confidence in His goodness. I have saved every single email. I hope that I can be to someone else what you all have been to me...because it has literally changed my life.
There are many more that I am going to thank in future posts, but I have run out of lunch break time, so I have to get back to the grind....
I'll be back.

Babies and Believing.

Sorry folks, some of you may want to say it was for you, but this past week was all for me. Sure, your child may have taken their first steps or you got the promotion you wanted or you finally got your bangs to look more like Kim Kardashian's and less like this guys:


Even still, this week was all mine.
I got a card from a dear friend. A friend who has seemingly accidently but very intentionally been placed in my life...via facebook. I know, thanks Zuckerberg. I read the card she took the time to write me and as quickly as I read it, my heart began a transformation.
{thank you Jill. your words were so much more than a pen meeting paper. and they brought more healing and hope into my heart than I could ever explain to you}
Then, I spent all week listening to a song that just wrecked me. I mean, every time I listened to it, I cried. Take a listen sometime, its called "Healing is in Your Hands"..cheesy title...amazing song.
All of that to say, this week...has been a week where my heart has started to view hope a little differently.
I am in no way a victim and in no way will ever play that role. But, these last three years have brought Scott and I more bad news than good...more heartache than joy...from losing our babies to sinking like crazy under a mound of medical debt...from unwanted job changes to unwanted partial home owners...from blood diseases to missing kidneys. It has been a road that has left us feeling bruised and broken and exhausted.
BUT. We both have confidently walked through each circumstance believing that God is good. And that we will be ok. Yes, it has sucked...beyond words, at times. Yes, we have both given in to vices at times...but, we always believed that God was good and that we would be ok.
See, my struggle has not been with accepting that bad things can happen in this broken world. My struggle is accepting that good things can happen in this broken world.
I have grown accustomed to saying that the story that God is writing for our lives is far more beautiful than the one we could ever write... but, the beauty has come through seeing His hope and grace through our pain. Not because the story itself is necessarily beautiful.
I say all of this to say. I want to meet this child that is moving and growing inside of me. I want to call him or her my son or daughter when I introduce them to people. I want to think about their future. I want to picture myself holding them the day they are born. I want to do the baby shower thing and the nursery thing and the molding my stomach in that strange paper mache cast thing.
But, I am scared to death to do that. I fall asleep at night and dream about having to deliver my child stillbirth and hold a funeral at our church and come home to an empty nursery. I take pictures of my growing belly wondering if this is the last picture I will be taking. I tell friends how excited I am and know in my heart that most of my words are to appease them and not me.
But, this week has been for me, my friends. Because I have been completely overwhelmed with the idea that God really and truly loves me. And He was the one who created me to be the little girl who walked around with dolls stuck up her shirt pretending to be pregnant AND a piggy bank full of quarters for her future children she would adopt. He was the one who created me to want to give birth to a child and rescue my child from another place on this earth. Both desires. He gave me the strong desire for both.
And so, even though they are words that are close to impossible for me to say. I am choosing to believe today that I will meet this child. on this side of eternity. Yes, Father, this child is yours before it is mine. But, today, I am not separating those two facts.
Because, today, I believe that this child is both yours and mine.

I Can Never End On A Serious Note. You'll See.

Next week, I will be married for 6 years to Scott. And on the majority of those days, I am more than happy that I married him. On other days, I want to shout from the rooftops "DONT EVER GET MARRIED!!!!".

I know, awful right? But, I can't be the only one who is madly and deeply in love with her husband but has never felt more dislike for another human being than him at times. How is it that I can grab him and kiss him and tell him that I couldn't imagine my life without him one minute and then look at him with disdain the next?

I have used my best words on him. And my worst. I have seen the best in him. And the worst. I married a boy who is turning into a man before my eyes. And turning into more of a boy before my eyes.

I love that he plays video games with his friends. I hate that he plays video games with his friends. I love that he can so easily let things roll off of his shoulders. I hate that he can so easily let things roll off of his shoulders. I love that we are at the place where romantic adventure dates are non-existent and replaced with the ease and beauty of our routine. I hate that we are at the place where romantic adventure dates are non-existent and replaced with the ease and beauty of our routine. You get my drift...

The selfish and bratty and immature and lazy side of me HATES how much work marriage takes. How much time is spent talking and arguing and discussing and apologizing and working things out. The female side of me wants to marry a woman on a strictly platonic basis just so I can have someone who cooks with me and for me and goes to rom com's and spends hours talking and trying on eachother's clothes.

But ladies, can you IMAGINE being married to us? I mean, some days I think Scott is bad...please read above and you will see how fickle I can be! "Scott, I love that you have some good friends that you get to spend time with" to "SCOTT! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OFF OF THAT $#%& XBOX AND COME UPSTAIRS AND EAT DINNER WITH YOUR WIFE WHO COOKED FOR YOU AFTER A FULL DAY OF WORK AND TWO HOUR DRIVE HOME WEARING HEELS THE WHOLE TIME AND A PONYTAIL THAT HAS NOW GIVEN HER A HEADACHE"

I mean, if I thought he was bad...

And this is the strange world of marriage. Even on our darkest days, I don't want to argue with anyone else. Even during the moments where I want to throw the pasta I cooked for him AT him, I wouldn't want to picture anyone else covered in marinara and noodles. Well, maybe our dogs only because that would be a really cute picture.

In a world where I see more and more friends separating and divorcing and cheating and hurting.... I would take my disfunctional at times, hilarious at times, heartbreaking at times, crazy at times, but always honest about it marriage.

And to my friends who are in the middle of one of those marital moments...You know, the, I would rather pull my hair out one by one than have to re-hash this issue again with you type of moment..

Please keep re-hashing. And keep working. And keep fighting. And keep loving. And whether you are laughing or crying or compromising or talking or yelling or whispering or cuddling...be ALL IN.

Just be All In.

And if it gets really rough, remember, they look pretty darn good naked.

This always helps.

Today, my heart aches for heaven.

Will, had he been born on his due date, would have turned 1 yesterday.

And instead of a birthday celebration, Scott and I are going to go to dinner, like we do with each passing "would have been" birthday of our 3 lost babies, and quietly celebrate. And only tears of joy are allowed. Of course, knowing me, I will end up crying and then figure out a way to convince Scott that they are happy tears. Then he will order me lots of dessert to cheer me up, but since I am pregnant and hormonal, I will be so touched by his gesture that tears will flow again.

It's funny how such a short time with a baby can leave such a lasting imprint on your heart.

Will, you were with us for 12 weeks and 5 days. And we really did enjoy every moment. We still have all of your pictures from the 7 ultrasounds we had and I can still remember watching you on the screen. I remember laughing with Scott when we first heard your heartbeat and I can remember sitting at the table one morning while giving myself a shot and Scott rubbing my back and saying to me, "Where there is a Will, there is a way". I remember going to small group one Sunday night over at Seth and Britni's and all of the ladies touching my slightly protruding belly and talking about how firm pregnant tummies are. I remember feeling so connected to you, like I felt with the first two babies. And I remember feeling so empty when I realized that you were no longer with me.

You are just as special to us as you were when we found out we were pregnant. And you are still our "strong-willed" baby. we talk about you a lot. And while we both are incredibly sad that we don't get to watch you grow up, we are even more excited to meet you someday.

We miss you so much. And love you even more.

Let's All Just Get Honest.

My baby can pee now. Yes. at only 14 weeks old, this little tyke can let it all out. I wonder if they make a tiny sigh like so many of us do when we finally get the chance to take a tinkle.

By the way, as much as I hate having to inconvenience my day by going to the restroom, I do love unloading my bladder. Sometimes, I just smile and sit there for a smidge longer than normal and just enjoy the moment. (Cue my husband reading this blog, getting embarrassed on my behalf, shaking his head and saying quietly to himself, "Steeeeeeph". He thinks I should keep some things to myself.)

Hey, I never claimed to be classy.

Which reminds me, (Scott's embarrassment, not my classy claim) for the most part, I love attention. And in almost all instances, Scott is not a fan of it. We went to the Blue Man Group show once and I had an aisle seat. The blue men were walking down the aisles looking at people all creepy. Of course, I can't just sit there and stare back, I have to make a slight scene, like they are scaring me..I mean, how else will they have a conversation after the show about that one really cool girl that they freaked out? Anyways, what I didn't realize was they were looking for someone to bring on stage. Well, the attention worked. And I landed myself in a 15 minute scene with the no talking, plastic smelling, heavy breathing blue men and, I must say.... I stole that show like it was a ding dong in my neighbors lunch box.

Where was Scott while I was egging on the crowd and soaking in the rays of attention?

He was sweating. And shaking. And trying his best not to have a heart attack right then and there. Because he was THAT nervous for me! And I am sure, completely embarrassed, as people laughed at something I did, they would all look lovingly his way too. Man, if I could have ALSO been in his seat..double attention! Score!

I also made a sign once at a Packers game. Because I wanted to get on tv. And not just the jumbo tron. ESPN. Go big or go home. So, I made an enormous sign that read, "This is our Honeymoon!" With a big heart and the letter Z in the middle. Did Scott grunt and try to hide behind the sign everytime I flew it proudly in the air? Of course. Did we make it onto TV? Oh yes. Did people around us give us strange looks and ask questions as to WHY we would pick Green Bay Wisconsin as our honeymoon destination? You betcha. Were we prepared to answer? Of course not. I only think in the moment. I just stared sweetly at Scott like those new wives who always wait for their new husband's to answer every question. Which made Scott all the more happy about my sign.

I had a point. But now all I want to do is figure out a way to get on a gameshow. or find a way to secretly nominate myself for some hero's episode of Oprah.

Oh, you have ALL thought about doing that before!

No?

Just me?