6 months pregnant. Yesterday, I was cool as a cucumber thinking we had all of the time in the world. Today, I got an email. 6 months, it said! Baby girl is over a pound and over a foot long and her lungs are starting to branch out and her fingernails are growing.
Fingernails. Learn to clip tiny baby fingernails. practice on Scott's pinky. Also, buy newborn mittens just in case you are really bad at clipping Scott's pinky.
Mittens. It will be June/July when you come. So, maybe fingerless mittens? But, that kind of negates the purpose? So, maybe keep you in a onesie or take your socks off to keep you cool?
Ok, Socks. Toenails...find out if it is possible to cut yourself with your long toenails. Im pretty sure you will be very bendy. If so, practice clipping tiny toenails. Use Reggie. He is little.
Or would you rather be warm and keep your socks on? Because, if you are like Scott, you would prefer that every outfit were lined in thermal long underwear. But, if you are like me, you would prefer to be naked whenever possible.
Naked. You are NEVER allowed to do that in the presence of a man. Well, we will discuss this when you are 30. maybe. Ok, I kid, but Scott looks really serious when we have talked about that.
Speaking of Scott. He always repeats sentences when he talks about you. Like, "I'm having a girl!!! and then....I'm having a girl..." The second sentence always being the "I am just realizing what I am saying" sentence.
And now, I totally get it.
Baby girl. Maybe we should talk. I mean, this is your first time being a tiny person outside of my womb...and there are some things you arent going to get right away...like going to the bathroom on a toilet. or drinking from a straw. or walking to the store. or carrying your own diaper bag. or understanding the meaning of LOL. I mean, you really have a lot to learn here and I feel like I am going to be very accomodating to you taking your sweet time learning everything. I mean, it is a lot to grasp. And I can understand that.
So, how about we come to an agreement. See, this is my first time being the mommy to a tiny person outside of my womb. and there are some things that I am not going to get right away. Like, which way the diaper goes on you, just in case I buy the kind that doesnt have a little disney character on the front of it (Note: Find out if the characters go on the front). Or putting a onesie on you and somehow getting your arm stuck halfway through. Or trying to burp you for 73 minutes because I am paranoid that you will have a tummy ache. Or trying to brush your gums because I think I see a tooth poking through. There is a tiny chance we may wear matching outfits for a few years. It's small, but I'm not throwing anything out. I have a lot to grasp. I hope you can understand that.
So listen, you poop through your outfit seventeen times a day? I'm cool with that. Wake me up 5 times a night? Go right ahead sweet pea. But, you have to promise to not get super upset when I have no idea what the heck I am doing. Because, holy mother of pearl and granite stone. I have NO idea what I am doing.
But, dont tell your dad. He is kind of counting on me to teach him how to change a diaper.
Diaper...do you put the diaper cream on everytime you change the diaper? Do you cover the entire region where a diaper is? Or just the...you know...specifics?
Oh dear Lord. I have a lot of googling to do.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
17 Things.
1. Why is it that when you have an open wound on your thumb, you seem to ALWAYS hit your hand on something that directly comes in contact with this open wound?
2. This week, I have never had more memories of youth camps growing up. Why you ask? Because I have had too many late nights and early mornings and awful food and am feeling extremely emotional. I swear, if I saw an alter, I would run to it. Just out of habit.
3. Had I been cool enough at any point in my teenage years, I would also find some old Philips Craig and Dean song and start doing human video motions. But alas, always the audience member....never in a black t-shirt and khakis.
4. I havent gone maternity clothes shopping yet and the clothes I have been given dont quite fit yet. All of this equals me in way too tight and unbuttoned dress pants with a belly band that is doing a sub par job.
5. We painted the baby's room a very soft green. And unfortunately, I think about Tinkerbell when I walk into it. I am hoping this feeling changes soon.
6. I have played my Scattered Trees CD on a daily basis at work since I got it months ago. And I didnt know this was possible, but I wore it out and it no longer plays. So sad.
7. This may be my lack of sleep talking, but I have a sudden urge to call Harpo Productions and see if Oprah is free for lunch.
8. There is a lady at my work who walks into my office everyday and takes some candy from my candy dish while telling me she really shouldnt be eating it. THEN. DONT.
9. Side note, it is a really good idea to buy candy that you dont like for your candy dish so you dont get tempted to eat it. My current candy dish collection? Gobstoppers. So not my style.
10. I STILL have not had to cut my toenails ONCE since training for my marathon last summer. I think they have all permanently stopped growing. Gross. And yet, kind of awesome.
11. My baby girl is doing so well and I am kind of in shock about the whole thing. I would like to go back to all of the specialists that I have seen and point to my belly and say "Boo-yah".
12. I honk at EVERY single person who drives on the highway and is looking at their phone. And everytime, I startle the crap out of them. Makes me so mad that people are that stupid.
13. I am currently having a love affair with bagels. Plain bagels. with a little bit of butter. Toasted to perfection with a light brown hue around the edges. I would choose that over oreo cheesecake right now. Now, that's love.
14. Out of the 6 colors we picked out for the house, I am in love with 4. These are really great odds for me considering I painted my old kitchen 4 times in under 4 years.
15. Our carpeting is getting put in today. And I am not picturing myself laying on it enjoying it's softness. I am picturing myself crawling around on it picking up any piece of dirt and fantasizing about taking people's shoes off for them when they walk into the house. Oh, and I haven't decided yet, but should I print out a piece of paper that says "You cannot eat, drink, spit while you talk, sweat or go barefoot on the carpet" or should I just pay someone to put it on canvas and make it my wall art?
16. I always wanted to be Rachel, but I am totally Monica.
17. I thought about calling Oprah. But then I figured she might have a day off. And be with Gayle. And I would think Gayle would be in a yellow velour sweatsuit with white sneakers and Oprah would be in a dark purple velour sweatsuit with her hair in a ponytail and visor on her head...and I just dont really want to be in public with people in velour sweatsuits. So, I decided to wait until tomorrow. When Oprah is more presentable.
2. This week, I have never had more memories of youth camps growing up. Why you ask? Because I have had too many late nights and early mornings and awful food and am feeling extremely emotional. I swear, if I saw an alter, I would run to it. Just out of habit.
3. Had I been cool enough at any point in my teenage years, I would also find some old Philips Craig and Dean song and start doing human video motions. But alas, always the audience member....never in a black t-shirt and khakis.
4. I havent gone maternity clothes shopping yet and the clothes I have been given dont quite fit yet. All of this equals me in way too tight and unbuttoned dress pants with a belly band that is doing a sub par job.
5. We painted the baby's room a very soft green. And unfortunately, I think about Tinkerbell when I walk into it. I am hoping this feeling changes soon.
6. I have played my Scattered Trees CD on a daily basis at work since I got it months ago. And I didnt know this was possible, but I wore it out and it no longer plays. So sad.
7. This may be my lack of sleep talking, but I have a sudden urge to call Harpo Productions and see if Oprah is free for lunch.
8. There is a lady at my work who walks into my office everyday and takes some candy from my candy dish while telling me she really shouldnt be eating it. THEN. DONT.
9. Side note, it is a really good idea to buy candy that you dont like for your candy dish so you dont get tempted to eat it. My current candy dish collection? Gobstoppers. So not my style.
10. I STILL have not had to cut my toenails ONCE since training for my marathon last summer. I think they have all permanently stopped growing. Gross. And yet, kind of awesome.
11. My baby girl is doing so well and I am kind of in shock about the whole thing. I would like to go back to all of the specialists that I have seen and point to my belly and say "Boo-yah".
12. I honk at EVERY single person who drives on the highway and is looking at their phone. And everytime, I startle the crap out of them. Makes me so mad that people are that stupid.
13. I am currently having a love affair with bagels. Plain bagels. with a little bit of butter. Toasted to perfection with a light brown hue around the edges. I would choose that over oreo cheesecake right now. Now, that's love.
14. Out of the 6 colors we picked out for the house, I am in love with 4. These are really great odds for me considering I painted my old kitchen 4 times in under 4 years.
15. Our carpeting is getting put in today. And I am not picturing myself laying on it enjoying it's softness. I am picturing myself crawling around on it picking up any piece of dirt and fantasizing about taking people's shoes off for them when they walk into the house. Oh, and I haven't decided yet, but should I print out a piece of paper that says "You cannot eat, drink, spit while you talk, sweat or go barefoot on the carpet" or should I just pay someone to put it on canvas and make it my wall art?
16. I always wanted to be Rachel, but I am totally Monica.
17. I thought about calling Oprah. But then I figured she might have a day off. And be with Gayle. And I would think Gayle would be in a yellow velour sweatsuit with white sneakers and Oprah would be in a dark purple velour sweatsuit with her hair in a ponytail and visor on her head...and I just dont really want to be in public with people in velour sweatsuits. So, I decided to wait until tomorrow. When Oprah is more presentable.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
American Dreamin'
When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a teacher who started off the school year with the big question all sophomore's face.
What is YOUR American Dream?
Ok, so I would have much rather answered the question, "Who is the best looking boy in this room?" or "Who would you rather to go to Homecoming with?" or even "What kind of car do you want someday when you pass that darn driving test?" But, had she asked those questions, I would have never had the haunting that I have today.
I thought about it for a bit...and thought some more...and watched everyone around me get up and go write their answer on this huge piece of canvas she had provided..be a lawyer/teacher/race car driver/famous singer, etc.. Finally, I stood up and went to the fabric and wrote....
To be a really good mom.
And, this boy, Tim, who was standing next to me, saw what I wrote and said, "That's it?!"
His words have haunted me since that day. That's it? You can write down whatever the heck you want you and that is ALL you choose??
Since that day, I have been pestered with the question that I think we all face numerous times in our lives... If money weren't an issue, what would we do with our life? What kind of mark do we want to make? What are we going to do that actually matters? Is our job going to be what defines us? And as we get older, monotony steps in and we begin to think, "Is this really it?"
And 14 years later, after working really hard and succeeding and working really hard and failing....after discovering that I have legitimate talent and discovering I have legitimate weakness...after realizing that I really can do whatever I put my mind to...and after seeing all of the mad potential we all have inside us and around us...
I would never for a second change my answer.
My heart doesn't skip a beat when I hear somebody talking about changing the world. My heart skips a beat when I hear adult children talk about how they want a marriage just like their parents one day. My adrenaline doesn't start pumping at the thought of being famous or making my name known for a good cause or even working a job that energizes me. My adrenaline starts pumping when I think about the beautiful challenge it is going to be to raise healthy and whole children who know what grace looks like, love feels like and laughter sounds like. I don't leave a funeral inspired by what somebody has accomplished in their lives, but rather what their children and grandchildren have to say about them personally.
I want to be a really good mom. Who invests my time and energy into loving my kids. And enjoys my life enough that they find joy in the everyday routine that we will call adventure. That I teach them how to be content. How to be a good friend because they see how Scott and I treat eachother. I want to teach my kids that needs are more important than wants, that family is more important than fame and that your spouse is more important than your self.
I don't want my daughter to learn self-consciousness because she sees mommy fixated with working out and talking negatively about my thighs. I don't want my son to learn how to worry because I tell them what we can't have instead of talking about all that we do have.
One of my hero's is Mike Breaux. And not because he is an incredible communicator and teacher who has taught me so much about God and life. But, because he has a wife who adores him, 3 kids who are now grown up and living lives that are so beyond themselves with families who are so obviously their number one priority.
Yes, I want to succeed in life. I don't want to have to push paper for always and forever. I would love to use all of the giftings that God has given me. But, it is all secondary to being the best wife and mom I can be. Completely secondary.
I don't want to be remembered because I was funny or could sing or write or run faster than a Kenyan (I'm like a lightning bolt people...you don't get 2nd to last place for being slow, right?)
I want my kids to say that God is faithful and always good. That they want a marriage just like their parents. That they value and understand the reason for giving to others. and that they had a pretty damn good mom. And then, I want them to grow up and repeat the same pattern.
If money weren't an issue....if I could do anything I wanted in the entire world with no limitations...if nothing were to ever get in my way...
That would be...and still is...my American Dream.
What is YOUR American Dream?
Ok, so I would have much rather answered the question, "Who is the best looking boy in this room?" or "Who would you rather to go to Homecoming with?" or even "What kind of car do you want someday when you pass that darn driving test?" But, had she asked those questions, I would have never had the haunting that I have today.
I thought about it for a bit...and thought some more...and watched everyone around me get up and go write their answer on this huge piece of canvas she had provided..be a lawyer/teacher/race car driver/famous singer, etc.. Finally, I stood up and went to the fabric and wrote....
To be a really good mom.
And, this boy, Tim, who was standing next to me, saw what I wrote and said, "That's it?!"
His words have haunted me since that day. That's it? You can write down whatever the heck you want you and that is ALL you choose??
Since that day, I have been pestered with the question that I think we all face numerous times in our lives... If money weren't an issue, what would we do with our life? What kind of mark do we want to make? What are we going to do that actually matters? Is our job going to be what defines us? And as we get older, monotony steps in and we begin to think, "Is this really it?"
And 14 years later, after working really hard and succeeding and working really hard and failing....after discovering that I have legitimate talent and discovering I have legitimate weakness...after realizing that I really can do whatever I put my mind to...and after seeing all of the mad potential we all have inside us and around us...
I would never for a second change my answer.
My heart doesn't skip a beat when I hear somebody talking about changing the world. My heart skips a beat when I hear adult children talk about how they want a marriage just like their parents one day. My adrenaline doesn't start pumping at the thought of being famous or making my name known for a good cause or even working a job that energizes me. My adrenaline starts pumping when I think about the beautiful challenge it is going to be to raise healthy and whole children who know what grace looks like, love feels like and laughter sounds like. I don't leave a funeral inspired by what somebody has accomplished in their lives, but rather what their children and grandchildren have to say about them personally.
I want to be a really good mom. Who invests my time and energy into loving my kids. And enjoys my life enough that they find joy in the everyday routine that we will call adventure. That I teach them how to be content. How to be a good friend because they see how Scott and I treat eachother. I want to teach my kids that needs are more important than wants, that family is more important than fame and that your spouse is more important than your self.
I don't want my daughter to learn self-consciousness because she sees mommy fixated with working out and talking negatively about my thighs. I don't want my son to learn how to worry because I tell them what we can't have instead of talking about all that we do have.
One of my hero's is Mike Breaux. And not because he is an incredible communicator and teacher who has taught me so much about God and life. But, because he has a wife who adores him, 3 kids who are now grown up and living lives that are so beyond themselves with families who are so obviously their number one priority.
Yes, I want to succeed in life. I don't want to have to push paper for always and forever. I would love to use all of the giftings that God has given me. But, it is all secondary to being the best wife and mom I can be. Completely secondary.
I don't want to be remembered because I was funny or could sing or write or run faster than a Kenyan (I'm like a lightning bolt people...you don't get 2nd to last place for being slow, right?)
I want my kids to say that God is faithful and always good. That they want a marriage just like their parents. That they value and understand the reason for giving to others. and that they had a pretty damn good mom. And then, I want them to grow up and repeat the same pattern.
If money weren't an issue....if I could do anything I wanted in the entire world with no limitations...if nothing were to ever get in my way...
That would be...and still is...my American Dream.
Friday, January 28, 2011
a simple thank you...
I have this gift. I am super talented at it as I have spent years honing my skill. I am really really good at going to the store and buying awesome thank you cards. I mean, I can pick them. And then, what's even better, is I am really good at is getting them out to write thank you notes to people. I mean, I am a star at putting their names on the inside of the card and writing their name on the envelope. And most of the time, I can write a wicked heartfelt thank you inside the card.
But, where my talent has been mastered? Is in the department of NOT sending the cards off. I mean, if anyone is better at finishing a thank you card but never letting it leave your desk at home, I dare you to come forward. I can easily whip out a good 25 cards that are just sitting in the thank you boxes ready to go.
I would normally be proud of any talent that I can scrounge up seeing as I am married to Scott 'talent seeps out of my perfectly moisturized and never smelly skin' Zibell, but this one? Not so much.
All of that to say, I have been incredibly blessed. I feel as though my life has been a broken record for the last few years and frankly, I am surprised how many people have stayed so supportive and encouraging to me during the whole time. You would think after a year or two of it, they would steer clear of calling me, but no, the calls never ceased. And sometimes, you just need to stop and take a minute and tell them how much they mean to you.
Leah, my sis - you have never stopped acknowledging my three little ones as your nieces and nephews and though it seems like a really small token...it has been one of the most special things for me. Because even though they arent here, it hasnt made them any less family to you and because of that, it has kept them even closer to my heart. You have been a rock of support for me. It is a gift that I treasure.
Jess and Tom - Your phone calls, prayers, text messages, listening ears... Scott and I couldn't ask for better friends... You are way more than our vacation buddies... You are family. Jess, you know the saying "steel wrapped in velvet"? Well, you are velvet wrapped in steel.. The softest heart with the fiestiest mouth... My favorite thing about you.
Amy - 20 years of friendship. I can't tell you how many times I heard you say, "I'm so sorry..I don't know what to say". And I can't tell you how much those words meant to me. You are always honest and always sincere. Plus, you are pretty hilarious and just as self-depricating as me, so that always makes for a memorable time...one that somehow always gets photographed.
Calley - I feel like I have known you my whole life. You are the epitome of what a true friend looks like. You give more of yourself and so wholeheartedly. I am so fiercely protective of you and it's because I have seen how incredible your heart is. I can't count the times I have said to Scott, "She has no idea how much I have needed her friendship". And I dont think you ever will.
My small group girls, Linds, Ahndea, Theresa, Leah and Leah (and Brit!) - You are each a God-send. You have let me be so honest and so raw with my feelings. You have taken me out, let me stay in, brought me dinner, prayed your hearts out for me. You have cried with me and celebrated with me. Linds, running with you has been healing. Ahndea, singing with you has been freeing. Theresa, talking with you has been calming. You all have been God's hand extended when we wanted nothing to do with Him. And even though your words have been loud, your actions have been louder. I don't know how I would have gotten through these past few years without any of you.
Ashley, Jen, Paula, Cheryl, Sharon and Linda... For an entire year, I have been surrounded by your prayers and words of encouragement. God has used each of you to inject me with hope and faith and confidence in His goodness. I have saved every single email. I hope that I can be to someone else what you all have been to me...because it has literally changed my life.
There are many more that I am going to thank in future posts, but I have run out of lunch break time, so I have to get back to the grind....
I'll be back.
But, where my talent has been mastered? Is in the department of NOT sending the cards off. I mean, if anyone is better at finishing a thank you card but never letting it leave your desk at home, I dare you to come forward. I can easily whip out a good 25 cards that are just sitting in the thank you boxes ready to go.
I would normally be proud of any talent that I can scrounge up seeing as I am married to Scott 'talent seeps out of my perfectly moisturized and never smelly skin' Zibell, but this one? Not so much.
All of that to say, I have been incredibly blessed. I feel as though my life has been a broken record for the last few years and frankly, I am surprised how many people have stayed so supportive and encouraging to me during the whole time. You would think after a year or two of it, they would steer clear of calling me, but no, the calls never ceased. And sometimes, you just need to stop and take a minute and tell them how much they mean to you.
Leah, my sis - you have never stopped acknowledging my three little ones as your nieces and nephews and though it seems like a really small token...it has been one of the most special things for me. Because even though they arent here, it hasnt made them any less family to you and because of that, it has kept them even closer to my heart. You have been a rock of support for me. It is a gift that I treasure.
Jess and Tom - Your phone calls, prayers, text messages, listening ears... Scott and I couldn't ask for better friends... You are way more than our vacation buddies... You are family. Jess, you know the saying "steel wrapped in velvet"? Well, you are velvet wrapped in steel.. The softest heart with the fiestiest mouth... My favorite thing about you.
Amy - 20 years of friendship. I can't tell you how many times I heard you say, "I'm so sorry..I don't know what to say". And I can't tell you how much those words meant to me. You are always honest and always sincere. Plus, you are pretty hilarious and just as self-depricating as me, so that always makes for a memorable time...one that somehow always gets photographed.
Calley - I feel like I have known you my whole life. You are the epitome of what a true friend looks like. You give more of yourself and so wholeheartedly. I am so fiercely protective of you and it's because I have seen how incredible your heart is. I can't count the times I have said to Scott, "She has no idea how much I have needed her friendship". And I dont think you ever will.
My small group girls, Linds, Ahndea, Theresa, Leah and Leah (and Brit!) - You are each a God-send. You have let me be so honest and so raw with my feelings. You have taken me out, let me stay in, brought me dinner, prayed your hearts out for me. You have cried with me and celebrated with me. Linds, running with you has been healing. Ahndea, singing with you has been freeing. Theresa, talking with you has been calming. You all have been God's hand extended when we wanted nothing to do with Him. And even though your words have been loud, your actions have been louder. I don't know how I would have gotten through these past few years without any of you.
Ashley, Jen, Paula, Cheryl, Sharon and Linda... For an entire year, I have been surrounded by your prayers and words of encouragement. God has used each of you to inject me with hope and faith and confidence in His goodness. I have saved every single email. I hope that I can be to someone else what you all have been to me...because it has literally changed my life.
There are many more that I am going to thank in future posts, but I have run out of lunch break time, so I have to get back to the grind....
I'll be back.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Babies and Believing.
Sorry folks, some of you may want to say it was for you, but this past week was all for me. Sure, your child may have taken their first steps or you got the promotion you wanted or you finally got your bangs to look more like Kim Kardashian's and less like this guys:
Even still, this week was all mine.
I got a card from a dear friend. A friend who has seemingly accidently but very intentionally been placed in my life...via facebook. I know, thanks Zuckerberg. I read the card she took the time to write me and as quickly as I read it, my heart began a transformation.
{thank you Jill. your words were so much more than a pen meeting paper. and they brought more healing and hope into my heart than I could ever explain to you}
Then, I spent all week listening to a song that just wrecked me. I mean, every time I listened to it, I cried. Take a listen sometime, its called "Healing is in Your Hands"..cheesy title...amazing song.
All of that to say, this week...has been a week where my heart has started to view hope a little differently.
I am in no way a victim and in no way will ever play that role. But, these last three years have brought Scott and I more bad news than good...more heartache than joy...from losing our babies to sinking like crazy under a mound of medical debt...from unwanted job changes to unwanted partial home owners...from blood diseases to missing kidneys. It has been a road that has left us feeling bruised and broken and exhausted.
BUT. We both have confidently walked through each circumstance believing that God is good. And that we will be ok. Yes, it has sucked...beyond words, at times. Yes, we have both given in to vices at times...but, we always believed that God was good and that we would be ok.
See, my struggle has not been with accepting that bad things can happen in this broken world. My struggle is accepting that good things can happen in this broken world.
I have grown accustomed to saying that the story that God is writing for our lives is far more beautiful than the one we could ever write... but, the beauty has come through seeing His hope and grace through our pain. Not because the story itself is necessarily beautiful.
I say all of this to say. I want to meet this child that is moving and growing inside of me. I want to call him or her my son or daughter when I introduce them to people. I want to think about their future. I want to picture myself holding them the day they are born. I want to do the baby shower thing and the nursery thing and the molding my stomach in that strange paper mache cast thing.
But, I am scared to death to do that. I fall asleep at night and dream about having to deliver my child stillbirth and hold a funeral at our church and come home to an empty nursery. I take pictures of my growing belly wondering if this is the last picture I will be taking. I tell friends how excited I am and know in my heart that most of my words are to appease them and not me.
But, this week has been for me, my friends. Because I have been completely overwhelmed with the idea that God really and truly loves me. And He was the one who created me to be the little girl who walked around with dolls stuck up her shirt pretending to be pregnant AND a piggy bank full of quarters for her future children she would adopt. He was the one who created me to want to give birth to a child and rescue my child from another place on this earth. Both desires. He gave me the strong desire for both.
And so, even though they are words that are close to impossible for me to say. I am choosing to believe today that I will meet this child. on this side of eternity. Yes, Father, this child is yours before it is mine. But, today, I am not separating those two facts.
Because, today, I believe that this child is both yours and mine.
Even still, this week was all mine.
I got a card from a dear friend. A friend who has seemingly accidently but very intentionally been placed in my life...via facebook. I know, thanks Zuckerberg. I read the card she took the time to write me and as quickly as I read it, my heart began a transformation.
{thank you Jill. your words were so much more than a pen meeting paper. and they brought more healing and hope into my heart than I could ever explain to you}
Then, I spent all week listening to a song that just wrecked me. I mean, every time I listened to it, I cried. Take a listen sometime, its called "Healing is in Your Hands"..cheesy title...amazing song.
All of that to say, this week...has been a week where my heart has started to view hope a little differently.
I am in no way a victim and in no way will ever play that role. But, these last three years have brought Scott and I more bad news than good...more heartache than joy...from losing our babies to sinking like crazy under a mound of medical debt...from unwanted job changes to unwanted partial home owners...from blood diseases to missing kidneys. It has been a road that has left us feeling bruised and broken and exhausted.
BUT. We both have confidently walked through each circumstance believing that God is good. And that we will be ok. Yes, it has sucked...beyond words, at times. Yes, we have both given in to vices at times...but, we always believed that God was good and that we would be ok.
See, my struggle has not been with accepting that bad things can happen in this broken world. My struggle is accepting that good things can happen in this broken world.
I have grown accustomed to saying that the story that God is writing for our lives is far more beautiful than the one we could ever write... but, the beauty has come through seeing His hope and grace through our pain. Not because the story itself is necessarily beautiful.
I say all of this to say. I want to meet this child that is moving and growing inside of me. I want to call him or her my son or daughter when I introduce them to people. I want to think about their future. I want to picture myself holding them the day they are born. I want to do the baby shower thing and the nursery thing and the molding my stomach in that strange paper mache cast thing.
But, I am scared to death to do that. I fall asleep at night and dream about having to deliver my child stillbirth and hold a funeral at our church and come home to an empty nursery. I take pictures of my growing belly wondering if this is the last picture I will be taking. I tell friends how excited I am and know in my heart that most of my words are to appease them and not me.
But, this week has been for me, my friends. Because I have been completely overwhelmed with the idea that God really and truly loves me. And He was the one who created me to be the little girl who walked around with dolls stuck up her shirt pretending to be pregnant AND a piggy bank full of quarters for her future children she would adopt. He was the one who created me to want to give birth to a child and rescue my child from another place on this earth. Both desires. He gave me the strong desire for both.
And so, even though they are words that are close to impossible for me to say. I am choosing to believe today that I will meet this child. on this side of eternity. Yes, Father, this child is yours before it is mine. But, today, I am not separating those two facts.
Because, today, I believe that this child is both yours and mine.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I Can Never End On A Serious Note. You'll See.
Next week, I will be married for 6 years to Scott. And on the majority of those days, I am more than happy that I married him. On other days, I want to shout from the rooftops "DONT EVER GET MARRIED!!!!".
I know, awful right? But, I can't be the only one who is madly and deeply in love with her husband but has never felt more dislike for another human being than him at times. How is it that I can grab him and kiss him and tell him that I couldn't imagine my life without him one minute and then look at him with disdain the next?
I have used my best words on him. And my worst. I have seen the best in him. And the worst. I married a boy who is turning into a man before my eyes. And turning into more of a boy before my eyes.
I love that he plays video games with his friends. I hate that he plays video games with his friends. I love that he can so easily let things roll off of his shoulders. I hate that he can so easily let things roll off of his shoulders. I love that we are at the place where romantic adventure dates are non-existent and replaced with the ease and beauty of our routine. I hate that we are at the place where romantic adventure dates are non-existent and replaced with the ease and beauty of our routine. You get my drift...
The selfish and bratty and immature and lazy side of me HATES how much work marriage takes. How much time is spent talking and arguing and discussing and apologizing and working things out. The female side of me wants to marry a woman on a strictly platonic basis just so I can have someone who cooks with me and for me and goes to rom com's and spends hours talking and trying on eachother's clothes.
But ladies, can you IMAGINE being married to us? I mean, some days I think Scott is bad...please read above and you will see how fickle I can be! "Scott, I love that you have some good friends that you get to spend time with" to "SCOTT! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OFF OF THAT $#%& XBOX AND COME UPSTAIRS AND EAT DINNER WITH YOUR WIFE WHO COOKED FOR YOU AFTER A FULL DAY OF WORK AND TWO HOUR DRIVE HOME WEARING HEELS THE WHOLE TIME AND A PONYTAIL THAT HAS NOW GIVEN HER A HEADACHE"
I mean, if I thought he was bad...
And this is the strange world of marriage. Even on our darkest days, I don't want to argue with anyone else. Even during the moments where I want to throw the pasta I cooked for him AT him, I wouldn't want to picture anyone else covered in marinara and noodles. Well, maybe our dogs only because that would be a really cute picture.
In a world where I see more and more friends separating and divorcing and cheating and hurting.... I would take my disfunctional at times, hilarious at times, heartbreaking at times, crazy at times, but always honest about it marriage.
And to my friends who are in the middle of one of those marital moments...You know, the, I would rather pull my hair out one by one than have to re-hash this issue again with you type of moment..
Please keep re-hashing. And keep working. And keep fighting. And keep loving. And whether you are laughing or crying or compromising or talking or yelling or whispering or cuddling...be ALL IN.
Just be All In.
And if it gets really rough, remember, they look pretty darn good naked.
This always helps.
I know, awful right? But, I can't be the only one who is madly and deeply in love with her husband but has never felt more dislike for another human being than him at times. How is it that I can grab him and kiss him and tell him that I couldn't imagine my life without him one minute and then look at him with disdain the next?
I have used my best words on him. And my worst. I have seen the best in him. And the worst. I married a boy who is turning into a man before my eyes. And turning into more of a boy before my eyes.
I love that he plays video games with his friends. I hate that he plays video games with his friends. I love that he can so easily let things roll off of his shoulders. I hate that he can so easily let things roll off of his shoulders. I love that we are at the place where romantic adventure dates are non-existent and replaced with the ease and beauty of our routine. I hate that we are at the place where romantic adventure dates are non-existent and replaced with the ease and beauty of our routine. You get my drift...
The selfish and bratty and immature and lazy side of me HATES how much work marriage takes. How much time is spent talking and arguing and discussing and apologizing and working things out. The female side of me wants to marry a woman on a strictly platonic basis just so I can have someone who cooks with me and for me and goes to rom com's and spends hours talking and trying on eachother's clothes.
But ladies, can you IMAGINE being married to us? I mean, some days I think Scott is bad...please read above and you will see how fickle I can be! "Scott, I love that you have some good friends that you get to spend time with" to "SCOTT! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OFF OF THAT $#%& XBOX AND COME UPSTAIRS AND EAT DINNER WITH YOUR WIFE WHO COOKED FOR YOU AFTER A FULL DAY OF WORK AND TWO HOUR DRIVE HOME WEARING HEELS THE WHOLE TIME AND A PONYTAIL THAT HAS NOW GIVEN HER A HEADACHE"
I mean, if I thought he was bad...
And this is the strange world of marriage. Even on our darkest days, I don't want to argue with anyone else. Even during the moments where I want to throw the pasta I cooked for him AT him, I wouldn't want to picture anyone else covered in marinara and noodles. Well, maybe our dogs only because that would be a really cute picture.
In a world where I see more and more friends separating and divorcing and cheating and hurting.... I would take my disfunctional at times, hilarious at times, heartbreaking at times, crazy at times, but always honest about it marriage.
And to my friends who are in the middle of one of those marital moments...You know, the, I would rather pull my hair out one by one than have to re-hash this issue again with you type of moment..
Please keep re-hashing. And keep working. And keep fighting. And keep loving. And whether you are laughing or crying or compromising or talking or yelling or whispering or cuddling...be ALL IN.
Just be All In.
And if it gets really rough, remember, they look pretty darn good naked.
This always helps.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Today, my heart aches for heaven.
Will, had he been born on his due date, would have turned 1 yesterday.
And instead of a birthday celebration, Scott and I are going to go to dinner, like we do with each passing "would have been" birthday of our 3 lost babies, and quietly celebrate. And only tears of joy are allowed. Of course, knowing me, I will end up crying and then figure out a way to convince Scott that they are happy tears. Then he will order me lots of dessert to cheer me up, but since I am pregnant and hormonal, I will be so touched by his gesture that tears will flow again.
It's funny how such a short time with a baby can leave such a lasting imprint on your heart.
Will, you were with us for 12 weeks and 5 days. And we really did enjoy every moment. We still have all of your pictures from the 7 ultrasounds we had and I can still remember watching you on the screen. I remember laughing with Scott when we first heard your heartbeat and I can remember sitting at the table one morning while giving myself a shot and Scott rubbing my back and saying to me, "Where there is a Will, there is a way". I remember going to small group one Sunday night over at Seth and Britni's and all of the ladies touching my slightly protruding belly and talking about how firm pregnant tummies are. I remember feeling so connected to you, like I felt with the first two babies. And I remember feeling so empty when I realized that you were no longer with me.
You are just as special to us as you were when we found out we were pregnant. And you are still our "strong-willed" baby. we talk about you a lot. And while we both are incredibly sad that we don't get to watch you grow up, we are even more excited to meet you someday.
We miss you so much. And love you even more.
And instead of a birthday celebration, Scott and I are going to go to dinner, like we do with each passing "would have been" birthday of our 3 lost babies, and quietly celebrate. And only tears of joy are allowed. Of course, knowing me, I will end up crying and then figure out a way to convince Scott that they are happy tears. Then he will order me lots of dessert to cheer me up, but since I am pregnant and hormonal, I will be so touched by his gesture that tears will flow again.
It's funny how such a short time with a baby can leave such a lasting imprint on your heart.
Will, you were with us for 12 weeks and 5 days. And we really did enjoy every moment. We still have all of your pictures from the 7 ultrasounds we had and I can still remember watching you on the screen. I remember laughing with Scott when we first heard your heartbeat and I can remember sitting at the table one morning while giving myself a shot and Scott rubbing my back and saying to me, "Where there is a Will, there is a way". I remember going to small group one Sunday night over at Seth and Britni's and all of the ladies touching my slightly protruding belly and talking about how firm pregnant tummies are. I remember feeling so connected to you, like I felt with the first two babies. And I remember feeling so empty when I realized that you were no longer with me.
You are just as special to us as you were when we found out we were pregnant. And you are still our "strong-willed" baby. we talk about you a lot. And while we both are incredibly sad that we don't get to watch you grow up, we are even more excited to meet you someday.
We miss you so much. And love you even more.
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