Today.

For today, I am starting to blog again. Because, today, I need an outlet. Tomorrow, I might become consumed with cleaning my house or staring at the sky. I might forget about this blog, like I have twice now. But, today, I need it.

I am the proud mother of three tiny babies. Babies that I have met only while in my stomach. Babies that I have touched only through the barrier of skin between us.

Even though I cannot hold them, take them for walks, introduce them to their grandparents, watch them grow...I am still their mother. And I am impatiently waiting to meet them someday.

I have walked through the darkest valley of my life this past year. Scott and I both. The rollercoaster ride of "We're Pregnant!!!" to "We lost the baby..." and back and forth three times. Watching my body change and experiencing morning sickness and exhaustion and having my hormones go wild...and going back to normal...and back again three times. Experiencing pregnancy with the end result being that I am held by my husband instead of holding our newborn. Scott and I feel like we are pros at getting pregnant and at the same time, we are becoming pros at grieving. Two things I wish weren't simultaneous. And every pregnancy, we get just a tad bit further along...9 1/2 weeks..10 1/2 weks...12 weeks...Maybe this time four years down the road, we will be able to finally make it 40 weeks. My calculations could be off...

One day, I am going to finish the book I'm writing. And there, you can read, in detail, the story of our journey. I am not one who faces sad times with a sad disposition. Unfortunately, for some, I handle most things with humor..cynical, sarcastic and sometimes joyful humor.

For now, I think I might just write on this little blog. You might not get me..and if you don't, that's fine. You can stop reading. You might think I am a little off with my understanding of God. That's fine, I probably am. And Im sure you are too. You might think I downplay some of the things that I have gone through or overdramatize other circumstances. Again, to each his own. And this is mine.

Today, I am going to take a shower. Try to eat something. Clean my house that has turned into a walking mold patch. Or at least, attempt to clean my sink. Get dressed. And limit my crying to 4 times. Which means don't watch Oprah, Tyra or google the word babies. Oh, and celebrate that I had 12 wonderful weeks with this last one. It was a wonderful, wonderful time. And I don't regret one moment.