Pick and Choose? Well, this is different. At least in the connotation that I am taking from it.
I have this issue with God sometimes. I want to plan His plan for me. You know, live a healthy life until I'm about 87 or 93 and then, after a blissful night of playing with my great grandkids and watching a rousing re-run of Minute to Win It on the classic gameshow channel, fall asleep in my husband's arms only to be awakened by Gabriel the angel in heaven who immediately shows me a mirror and I discover that my body is identical to Marissa Miller.
Here is what I hate. When people say to me, "God has a plan for you...." Ok, so I don't hate the whole God has a plan thing and don't even disagree with it. But, I hate when they fill in the blanks at the end of the sentence. Like they somehow have this direct line to God and He conveniently whispers to them, and not me, the future direction of my life.
I had a particularly rough day the other day and I just needed a minute to be honest with myself and with God. I don't understand His ways, but I am not supposed to, I guess. I know that He is so good, so I hope in that and not in what necessarily happens to me. I have this faux bargaining session with God sometimes. It sounds a little something like this:
Ok God. So, I know that I can't have everything I want and exactly the way I want it. And I know that You are good and faithful and that no matter what happens in life, I have hope in You and will be ok (have I buttered you up enough Big G?). But, can you just give me this one little thing? Can I have this one tiny part of my life happen just the way I want it to? I mean, you are the miracle worker, so let's flex those big guns my way for a minute. capeesh?
But, here is how I really do see it. I prayed and believed the way you all said I should. and all three of my little ones died. Does this mean God is not as big as I thought He was? Does this mean I didn't have enough faith in Him and it's my own fault? Does this mean that He was just as sad as we were, but we live in a broken world and so sometimes, things we want to work end up breaking? Or maybe God is actually just that much bigger and more complex than we can comprehend so it could just be time to stop putting so much dependance on our own strength and just rest in the goodness of God no matter WHAT happens?
Anyways, I wrote a song. Because there are some moments in my life that scare me. Adopting and all of the what if's that come with that. Getting pregnant again and all of the risk that comes with that. Having a family. Being a mom. Finding a lump on my body, like my grandmother, grandfather and uncle did. And most days, I am confident in God. But sometimes. I am scared because in the grand scheme of things, I am so small.
Untitled.
Open shops and little clocks. The time just passes by.
Pick and choose and my hearts to bruise.
It's never good. The timing's Yours.
I know that I know I can't pick what I want and toss the rest in the water..
But, I know that I know I don't have the heart to lose... another..
Round and round we go. This little show of hope and make-believe.
It's so clear to me that I can't see. And that's the part I dread.
I know that I know I can't pick what I want and toss the rest in the water..
But, I know that I know I don't have the heart to lose...another..
I am unshaken, but constantly shaking.
I am unwavered, yet find myself waving.
I am not broken, but please don't go breaking me down.
I try to be faithful, but I can't find faith in.
Losing my heart to a world that keeps taking.
I am not broken, but please don't go breaking me down.
Broken hearts. Clean up the floor and take the pain away.
Tiny pieces of you. All over the place.
I know that I know I can't pick what I want and toss the rest in the water.
But I know that I know I don't have the heart to lose another.. round.
3 comments:
just beautiful steph. tears in my eyes. love you girl
Thanks for your honesty in this, Steph. Since there is a space for comments, I will give my thoughts. :) I don't mean to offend or accuse, but just to share what I have learned over this past year ...
There is nothing that we can do - no praying hard enough, no being good enough, no trusting steadfastly enough - that will make God love us more or bless us more or treat us differently. We are saved by grace alone through faith, by the work of CHRIST on the cross... NOT by our own works. We need to stop trying to earn God's favor, even if we don't think we are trying to do that. Any time we feel like we have to pray harder or belive more, we are secretly giving in to our sinful nature that makes us think we can earn our salvation (by earning His favor). The truth is, we are wretched, and nothing we do can make us look any less wretched to the God of the universe. Only Christ's blood is sufficient to cover our ugly-ness and make us look beautiful.
Now, I know you know all of this. I know you that you are saved by grace. But, EVERYONE forgets that from time to time, and falls into traps of unbelief. Trust me - I know as well as anyone. BUT, I wanted to encourage you in that you are not alone in this struggle! All we can do is be thankful to our God and Savior for His death and for His promise that He will be glorified in our lives, which is really the greatest thing of all. And to those who say, "God has a plan ... blah blah blah", I say, "Yes, He does." His plan is simply to glorify Himself. Sometimes I wonder how my mom's death could possibly glorify God. And then I think of the fact that I may never know how He will use it, but I trust that He doesn't lie, so He certainly will use it somehow!
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful" - Hebrews 10:23
You are loved :)
girl, i love you. words cannot say how much. but i gave you a blog award. it's on my blog. much love.
(and you should know that my "word verification" for this was "hocydog" and this made me smile)
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